


The Ides of McMarch

by Calicornia



Category: Naruto, Super Dangan Ronpa 2, ジョジョの奇妙な冒険 | JoJo no Kimyou na Bouken | JoJo's Bizarre Adventure
Genre: Alkaline Salt, Chaos Emeralds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-13
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-20 19:21:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30009732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Calicornia/pseuds/Calicornia
Summary: The lore thickens, and a warning is missing.
Relationships: Hinata Hajime/Komaeda Nagito, Komaeda Nagito/Ronald Mcdonald
Kudos: 1





	The Ides of McMarch

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: All fast food mascots portrayed in this fanfiction are fictional and do not represent their real life counterparts. Calicornia does not harbor any ill will towards KFC, McDonald's, Little Ceasers, Wendy's, or Arbys. Personally, I love eating at all those places.

Today was the day. What day?  _ The Day _ . The day when Ronald McDonald’s life would be irreparably changed. 

It was the morning now.

The wind was still, and the stench of grease hung in the air like a swarm of gnats. The Colonel stared out one of the windows of the McDonald’s rotunda. The sight of the fry grease fields filled his heart with contempt. The Emperor had encroached on the city limits, blinded by greed. It was The Day after all, the day the traitor would pay. About seven dollars and ninety-nine cents in payment, exactly.   
  
He walked down his deep fried steps, a crunch with each plop of the foot. A smunch with each ploop of the foop. A smudgy wudgy fudgy wudgy fucky wucky shit fuck.    
  
Colonel Sanders walked down the red carpet, approaching the auditorium which Little Ceaser spoke from. His friends, Ronald, Wendy, Enoby “Arbys” Raven Dementia Way, Tony Fuckerelli, and that other guy. Standing next to Wendy, a whisper slipped out of his mouth.   
  
“Wendy, supply me with the five dollar footlong.” The Colonel held out his hand to the young girl. Cold metal touching the calloused fingers of the old man. Yep.

The fast food assembly assembled their way into the auditorium. Today was  _ the day  _ after all, and they wouldn’t miss it for the world. Colonel Sanders slipped the five dollar footlong up to conceal his intent. Where, you ask? Tune in next week to find out. (But only in France)

They walked in single file, a grim determination masking their feature and concealing the nerves that crept up inside of them. Caesar continued his speech, in an ignorant bliss that was almost not ignorant or bliss.   
  
“And the next law I’ll pass, we give the sun a massive cock and balls!” The pizza delivery man and president shouted, “Not only that, but a fat ass on the other side!”

Colonel Sanders unsheathed the five dollar foot long, hesitating slightly.

  
“I’ll also give the moon the wettest pussy imaginable!” Ceasar continued, “With fat titties!”

  
The other mascots held their breath.   
  
“And I’ll make it legal to stan Theodore from Alvin and the Chipmunks again!”   
  
The first five dollar foot long thrust into the back of Little Ceasar, his body falling to the ground instantly.

  
Thanos shouted. Tony sharted. The whole room was a clusterfuck of confusion, chaos and disbelief. Little Ceasar lay atop his podium, his special sauce staining the already red carpet of the auditorium. That was good foresight on whoever ordered this rug.

The Colonel stood over the accursed emperor, sauce staining his pristine white suit. He glanced down at the fallen official and said nothing. He straightened his bolo tie and turned to his co conspirators, motioning for them to make their exit.

The deed was done, but  _ the day _ was far from over. 

Polnareff’s bowling score had dropped, and the Thanos Car zoomed through the Swamp Ass Bar. Chaos, Chaos everywhere. But the emeralds were nowhere to be found. Komaeda looked through the morning paper, yep, this new journalist was fast. She had written the story for the assassination of Little Ceasar before brunch. He raised an eyebrow as his eyes skimmed over the letters. That’s when he remembered.   
  
He couldn’t even read.

Komaeda sighed, putting away the paper. If only he knew where his chaos emerald was.   
  
“If only you knew where your chaos emerald was, Komaeda…” Sideshow Bob chuckled from his lighthouse. I’ve never seen the lighthouse but I think that’s the movie where the guy has hundreds of TVs just watching people. That’s what Sideshow Bob is doing. He flipped Komaeda’s chaos emerald in his hands. Licking his lips.   
  
Yes, the day had just begun.

“WHERE WILL I PURCHASE MY AFFORDABLE PIZZA NOW??” Hajime wailed in agony over the paper Komaeda had set down. He hadn’t read in six weeks and after his eye soaked in the story he remembered why he stopped.

“There there Hajime,” Komaeda cooed, patting his partners back as he sobbed over his brunch. “Your tears are going to throw off the pH balance of your meal” 

Hajime mopped up his tears with his tie and looked down at his plate. Komaeda was right. His plate of salt had soaked up his acidic tears and created alkaline salt.    
  
“Can you eat alkaline salt?” Hajime asked.   
  
“I don’t think so, but you can google it.” Komaeda whipped out his cell phone, his phone background him and Hajime both cumming. As he typed the words on the screen, the plate began to shine. Hajime stared as the alkaline salt turned Chaos Emerald shaped.   
  
That’s right, motherfucker. Hajime and Komaeda discovered how to make artificial chaos emeralds. For 0.0002 weeks, Hajime and Komaeda opened up a Chaos Emerald lab in their basement, having Hajime cry into plates of well prepared salt to form them into those sweet moneymakers. The salt salesman was suspicious, but not sus.

He skipped his vote this round…

Sideshow Bob watched from his lighthouse, the parts of the walls not covered in TV’s were gender neutral and full of racist graffiti. He clenched his fist so tightly around Komaeda’s chaos emerald that it nearly shattered in his grip. He couldn’t believe that these pathetic lifeforms had managed to undermine the chaos emerald market over brunch. 

The gays were putting chemicals in the salt to tank the entire freakin economy and Sideshow Bob wasn’t having it one bit. The day wasn’t over just yet. He slid his finger across the wall, smearing the racist graffiti and picking it up as he moved the digit.   
  
It was time for a secret ingredient of his own.   
  
“HOMOPHOBIC CHAOS EMERALDS HIT THE MARKET?” Hajime shouted at the dinner table, they were having pepper for dinner instead of salt thanks to their supply being almost entirely dedicated to Chaos Emerald production.   
  
“I wouldn’t worry… Hajime....” Komaeda ate a spoonful of pepper, “Homophobia isn’t funky fresh, they won’t make any money at all.”   
  
Wrong move, Nagito. The news reporter flew in with the updated paper, and then flew right out. In her wake, pepper scattered everywhere. Hajime dusted off the report, his eyes widening.

“HOMOPHOBIC CHAOS EMERALDS MAKE ONE MONEY?”   
  
“It’s only one money Hajime”

“THAT’S ONE LESS MONEY FOR US!” Hajime lamented over his plate of pepper, reminiscing on the days before his sweet sweet salt had become a cash cow.

It’s all going according to plan.

“It’s all going according to plan,” Colonel Sanders said aloud in their secret McHeadquarters.  _ The Day _ had gone off without a hitch, but it wasn’t over yet. Not by a longshot.

“Good, good,” Ronald rubbed his gloved hands together in fiendish delight. Does Ronald McDonald wear gloves?   
  
He wears gloves, but only in France.   
  
“Extra extra, read all about it.” Aya Shikimaru, Shikimaru’s daughter but only in France, burst through the window holding the updated newspaper. “Let’s get right into the news. Let’s just jump into it. How’s it goin’ bros my name is Pewdiepie! Top of the morning to ya laddies.” She once again fucked off through the window to go get more news.   
  
Copies slid onto everyone’s McLaps. Colonel being the first to read it.

“Artificial Chaos Emeralds add homophobia 2 to their formula!?” The Colonel grimaced, “Sideshow Bob, you said you had this in the bag!”   
  
“Sir, nobody could’ve expected that two homosexuals would add homophobia to their concoction!” Sideshow Bob pleaded, “Much less invent new homophobia to use.”   
  
“There’s only one thing to do now.” The Colonel sighed, and turned to Ronald. “Mr. McDonald, we need you to infiltrate the enemy’s headquarters. But don’t fuck it up like Sideshow Bob did.”   
  
Ronald smirked folding his hands together.   
  
“Don’t worry, sir. They’ll never get past my ran ran ruuuuuuuse!”

  
For the new few hours, Ronald began to seduce Komaeda. They were about to have sex, when Ronald had an ephiphany.

Ronald had not fucked since the last McMarch, and he wasn’t about to let Komaeda change that. He slipped his McCock back into his McPants and walked towards the door.   
  
“Komaeda, I can’t believe you’d use me like this…” Ronald turned around, tears in his eyes, but he kept moonwalking, “I wanted a committed relationship…”   
  
Komaeda looked at his hand and stared, mouth agape.   
  
“Well, I wanted a Little Ceaser’s Extra Most Bestest Pepperoni Pizza for dinner…” The whitenette looked at the rednette, “But I can’t have that now, can I?”   
  
Ronald’s paint smeared from the moisture coming out of his eye. If only his former lover knew the truth.

It was the McPast now, specifically TwentyMcIfOnlyKomaedaKnewTheTruth. The McRomans feasted on the Golden McDonald in the Coochie Dungeon. Ronald stared into the eyes of Luffy, rubbing the back of Little Ceaser.

  
“Pizza pizza…” Little Ceaser cried into his hands, “I can’t-a believe-a!”

“Well you’d better dattebayo Shiza-chan, cuz this is the real life. Not just a fantasy.” Ronald’s painted grin split his face. His eyes clouded with McMalice.

Yohoho, Luffy had taken a bite of gumgum and his elastic body sagged from his crucifix. The McRomans had done their job well, and Little Ceasar could not help but weep at the sight. 

“Mama mia, my-a little pizza pie…” 

“Don’t worry about me papa, I’m just vibin’” Littlest Ceasar sat in the ball pit, smoking a joint.   
  
“MAMA MIA! Where did-a you-a get-a the-a ganja-a!?”   
  
Little Ceasar ran after his son and dived into the ball pit, leaving Ronald alone with Luffy. The clown looked deeply into his eyes, feeling a weird mixture of cum and barbeque sauce curdle in his loins. He thought for just a second, but then he didn’t.   
  
“This is what you get for being a dirty Theodore stan, Luffy.”   
  
Ronald walked out of the Coochie Dungeon and into Hades, and back into the McPresent. He stared at the sun that illuminated Hell. It was nothing like the sun that shone over Earth. This one had a cock and balls. Ronald blinked, but then he didn’t. His McGoal was clear.   
  
It was time to pound some McWorm coochie.

The fearsome 3 headed McPooch blocked his path forward, snarling at the rednette juggalo lookin’ ass. Ronald knew what he had to do. He reached into his mcpocket and procured the forbidden sack. The brown paper bag was nearly translucent from all the grease it had sopped up over the countless millennia. Ronald steeled his nerves and chucked the sack and all it’s unspeakable contents at one of the three ferocious heads. The hounds disparate jaws snapped and snarled with greed as they fought over the forbidden snack. With his distraction in place, Ronald activated his magic card and placed two cards face down, though his turn was far from over.

“Rookie move.” Ronald pulled out Dark Magician, “As if I wouldn’t notice Blue Eyes White Three-Headed Hellhound. Come out, wherever you are.”   
  
The closet opened, and both Hazamada and Koichi fell out. The two boys both held the Yugi-Oh Apparatus thing that holds cards and shit, fistfighting over it.

“I TOLD YOU WE SHOULD’VE USED THE PINK EYES BLACK DRAGON INSTEAD OF THE BLUE EYES WHITE THREE-HEADED HELLHOUND!” Koichi wrestled the cardholder away from the incel.

“THAT’S NOT EVEN A CARD!” Hazamada’s foot slammed into Koichi’s crotch, freeing the card holder from his grip. “Do you even Yugi-Oh, bro?”

“Tsk tsk, you boys don’t even know how to hold a McDuel disk,” Ronald “Seto Kaiba” McDonald shook his head as the boys quarreled over the Yu-Gi-Oh Apparatus. 

“Oh yeah! Well you don’t even have one you ICP reject!” Hazamada shouted, finally in full control of the cardholder and ready to shadow some games. Ronald quirked his brow.

“Look again,” The mascot rolled up his sleeve to reveal his bionic arm, which had been fully converted into a Yu-Gi-Oh apparatus. Hazamada pissed his pants in terror. 

“Koichi, I think we picked a fight with the wrong clown!” The incel pulled out a random card and swiped it. Koichi was unable to respond as he was still screaming from being kicked in the nuts.   
A hologram formed, and what was summoned was none other than Weevil Underwood.   
  
Ronald raised an eyebrow, but then lowered that same brow. Then he freaked it.

  
“Weevil? You’re a card now?”   
  
“I’m deep in student loan debt.” The bug boy sighed, and facepalmed. “This is the only way I can pay it. Now can we just get on with the fight, please?”

Wrong move, Underwood. Your life points are forfeit now.

Ronald pulled another card out of his deck and chuckled darkly, swiping it like a credit card through his bionic ass cheeks. Another hologram appeared on the field…

No.

It couldn’t be…

“Oh yes, it could,” Ronald made the dreamworks face. “I summon GUY SENSEI IN ATTACK MODE!” The bowl-cutnette hit the dab as he appeared on the field, his ass cheeks were as firm as ever.   
  
“Hello everybody, my name is Markipl-OHHUGH!” Guy Sensei pulled out his gohan, wincing at the sight of Koichi and Hazamada and puking at the sight of Weevil, “You can’t just make me fight children, man!”   
  
“Do it anyways, motherfucker!” Ronald pimp slapped Guy Sensei.

Oh no he didn’t.

Guy Sensei snorted the alkaline salt and blew it out of his ass, blasting Ronald through the 3rd layer of hades. His alkaline shit hurricane swirled around the clown, making him unable to draw another card. But the clown had an ace up his sleeve.   
  
The five dollar foot long.

  
The foot long shot down back into the 7th layer, missing Guy by just a hair and tearing his green jumpsuit. The bowlcut-nette smirked.

“Is that all you got?” The big boy said. Guy Sensei is a big boy.   
  
Wrong move, Guy Sensei.   
  
That was the only foot long in France.

The French footlong became sentient, it’s eyes locked on the jumpsuited man. It was out for blood,  _ his blood _ .

“ _My blood?”_ Guy Sensei asked the void. Yes, Might. Your blood. Ronald was nowhere to be seen but the footlong shot towards Guy Sensei like a bullet, tearing hole after hole in his once pristine jumpsuit. 

Guy Sensei’s alkaline shits were no match for the power of french craftsmanship.

Today was  _ the day _ and Guy Sensei got fucked up in the Coochie Dungeon.

"Get fucked." Guy Sensei got fucked up in the coochie dungeon. All his youth was lost, and he became like bread.

Sourdough Ascension Guy Sensei rose from the ashes. The yeast deep inside of him was churning.

"French Foot long!" Sourdough Ascension Guy Sensei shouted, "Welcome to the Christmas Parade!"

He ascended once more.

He was now Christmas Parade Sourdough Ascension Guy Sensei.

The French Footlong shit itself, and the sun’s ass turned the other cheek. Christmas Parade Sourdough Ascension Guy Sensei charged his Christmas Beam.

  
It was time to get fucked.   
  
“Yare yare.” Shikimaru read about the events in the paper as they were happening, “This is what happens when you don’t regulate the production of alkaline salt.” He said as he sipped up some of Temari’s homemade salt.

Koichi and Hazamada ran from the Christmas Beam, Weevil becoming engulfed with bows of holly. Ronald watched in horror as Guy Sensei grabbed the foot. Whose foot?  _ The foot _ . Haven’t you been paying attention, reader? That’s right I’m addressing you directly. Drink some water if you haven’t yet. It’s important to stay hydrated.

“Ho ho ho, Ronaldo,” Guy Sensei ho’d. “Looks like you’ve activated my trapcard” The yeast inside of the Half-man Half-Bread being had reacted with the alkaline salt that lined both his small and large intestine.

“Y-you wouldn’t dare,” Ronald stumbled backwards, fearing for his mortal soul.

“Oh wouldn’t I?” Guy Sensei opened all 8 of his inner gates and used the energy to summon an impenetrable gate between himself and the children so that they wouldn’t not see what he was about to do. HE opened up his gaping asshole and unleashed a supermassive blackhole.

Ronald’s paint began to fly off, his clown disguise becoming less disguise and more not disguise. He was no longer down with the clown. The letters in his name began to rearrange, and he lost the Mcdonald. He was now-

“Rohan?”


End file.
